I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
Randomize
