1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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