watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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