If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
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