Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
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