piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
