My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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