Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
Randomize
