I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
Randomize
