i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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