I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
