Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Randomize
