Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
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