A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Randomize
