I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
She's not a foreskin expert like you
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
