Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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