All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
Randomize
