My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
