you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
Randomize
