hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
Randomize
