she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
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