i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
i dont even know how to be here
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
Randomize
