I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
That was before I lit my hair on fire
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
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