last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Randomize
