i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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