You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
Randomize
