i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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