why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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