They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
Help. Why am I so naked?
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
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