I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Randomize
