is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
I just found puke in my bra..
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
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