My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
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