I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
What kind of poor, pathetic town do we live in where a horny teenage girl is sitting in her basement on a saturday night, unlaid?
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
Randomize
