I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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