i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
That accounts for only three of the penises
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
Randomize
