I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
