hows the new call of duty?
I only had sex with the game case so far, but that part was awesome.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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