i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
