she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
Sex tent. say it aloud its amazing. promise you we rnt stoned.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
