she looked like the bat from fern gully.
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
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