so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
We were just talking bout putting on helmets and going fo a car ride just to see how ppl react. I will def fit in here haha
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
Randomize
