I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Randomize
