I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
i don't remember going ever taking off my pants but my pubes are shaved into a K and kelsey is passed out in the shower.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
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