I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
