I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
Randomize
