That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
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