I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
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