why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
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