you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
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