i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
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