I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
