Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Randomize
