At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
