hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
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