You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
