she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
Randomize
