The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
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