before i could say "i'm not that kind of girl", i was.
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
So I love answering sex questions in intimate relationships class on a clicker when im sitting next to my cousin..
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
Randomize
