So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
Randomize
