his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
i came on her dog
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Randomize
