What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
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