So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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