I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I'm going to rape someone's good day.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
last final went out with a bang.. 20 min late bra-less, cum in my hair and i still cant find my shoes.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
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