saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
Buhtt sex?
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Randomize
